headnoize: Bile - "Copy Machine"

So I discovered a reason this weekend for why I would like to blow up my school, or at the very least just the vending machine in the lobby of my dorm. Said vending machine mysteriously over the weekend started vending the blissful goodness that is Cheesy Jalapeno Cheetos. It's hard to explain here the amazingness of these crunchy cheesy morsels of snacktastic goodness, but needless to say, they're bloody orgasmic. So me and several other people have been raiding said vending machine to get this king of snacky-food (ranking in just below the emperor of snacky-food Fiery Habinero Doritos). That was until yesterday.

I go out into the lobby for a drink and I see them there staring at me, taunting me through the glass. "Eat me," they say. "We are delicious and would go amazingly with your Vault."

So I resign myself to my necessity for Cheesy Jalapeno Cheetos and return to my room to get another dollar. I walk back out to the lobby, dollar in hand and insert it in the machine. It blinks at me, "Correct Change Only." So I turn around to walk back to my room to get change, and notice that the change machine in the lobby actually has change in it (the light isn't on... it's been about 2 months since the last time the light wasn't on). So I got change and turned around back to the machine. Then I realized I was going to need a dime... because apparently the world can't price things in even divisions of quarters. The Cheetos are $0.85, bastards.

I return to my room and come back out to the lobby with my 3 shinny quarters and a not-so-shinny dime and approach the vending machine. I put the dime in. It poops the dime out in the coin return slot. I put a quarter in. It poops the quarter out into the coin return slot.

...

Needless to say, I returned to my room sans amazing Cheetos goodness and had to go about my merry way for the rest of the evening. Something needs to be blown up to make up for my lack of Cheesy Jalapeno Cheetos, fortunately I lack explosives, it probably makes the world a safer place (not that I'd actually bomb something). But it does make me wish the vending machine had a face, so I could stab it. I really should pay a bunch of scientists to invent vending machines with faces, it'd help so many people. I mean really, is kicking a big metal and plastic square all that satisfying? Now what if you would punch the big metal and plastic square in the face? See, goldmine.

- Posted 00:38 by Mabelrode