headnoize: Voltaire - "Boo Hoo"

Woohah, I sneak up on you like a ninja and fuck your shit up and leave in the night while you sit there and wonder what in the fuck happened! Or ummm, I just post or something.

Yes, it's been a long time. No, I have no idea who reads this any more. And no, I don't entirely care to be truly honest. There's been a lot of shit that's gone down. And I'm not entirely certain how much of it is going to make it in here right now. So you'll have to deal (not like you get much of a choice here), I'll get to what I can get to right now and I suppose we'll see from there.

Let's see, where to start. School shit. Getting the fuck out of ruts, a very excellent place to begin. Applications have been submitted, I'm even going to fucking Tennessee next weekend to go pay the Campus a visit (let me tell you how thrilled I am to be going to Tennessee for like 10 days (feel the sarcasm)). So things are getting on track for that. It's now a matter of waiting for them to let me in <chuckle> and then getting the financial aid in order. Fun shit.

Now, for the next order of business, my going to Tennessee for 10 days is probably going to rather piss off some of the people in Dryad (as I'll be missing another couple weeks of practice (I missed last weekend because I was sick)) and I get to break it to them tomorrow, it'll be fun. Now, unfortunately I don't think any of them know I stopped caring a long time ago. It became obvious to me quite a long time ago that none of them are serious about this stuff, much less are willing to do what it'd take to get shit off the ground. Much less even have a clue as to what to do even if they were willing. It's also become quite clear to me that even if I were denied the opertunity to run off to MTSU and work on things there, there's no way I could creatively survive working with them for much longer. I donno, can't really explain it. I haven't much of anything at all as of late with them, and haven't even really had a desire to. There've been too many conflicts and too much bullshit for too long, I just have no desire to tolerate it any more. So I guess we'll see.

I think the big problem with it all is that it's all bullshit, really. It's all around me, it's all I get any more from all fascets. It's the rut syndrome. I've been in the same rut for so long, and I despise it so much that I can't possibly convey it here. Which is why I'm trying to get to MTSU, to get out of the rut, to get away. To start over. Because I feel now that it's what I need. A complete and total disconnection. Because there's nothing for me here. I realized that about a month ago. The last possible thing that could have possibly held me in Richmond is completely and totally moot. I suppose broken promises have that effect. I really couldn't tell you. When someone fails you so utterly and completely that there's nothing you can really say about it. There aren't words for it. Hell, I don't even know if the person I'm talking about this will read this. I suppose there's a chance they will, but I'm not betting on it. Not like it's going to change what I say at this point anyway. Besides, my true feelings on all this lay elsewhere, and don't bother looking, you're not going to find them. I suppose you could ask, but you won't. I've known that for quite a long time now. As much as I've wanted to believe otherwise, as much as I've wanted to know otherwise... I know you won't. And I suppose in it's simplicity, that says it all. You won't. It's not a matter of what could be done, or what might be done, it's the fact that you won't. But I do not dwell. It's beyond my control. It was never in my control, it'd be stupid of me to assume otherwise. Always on your terms, no one's being kidded here. It's always been up to you, which brings us back to the simplicity... you won't.

Perhaps I'll be surprised, though the occasions in which that happens are extremely few and far between these days. I know better than to hope that I will be. Anyways, I'll try to write more before I leave town, but I don't make promises. So you'll just have to deal. Anyway, enjoy and shit. <wave>

- Posted 22:14 by Mabelrode